


fever dream

by star_pilots



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Swap, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Restaurant, Awkward Conversations, Barback Rey, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben is 19, Blizzards & Snowstorms, Christmas Fluff, Cigarettes, Dishwasher Ben, F/M, First Meetings, Food, Holidays, Rey is 28, Rey is Bad at Feelings (Star Wars), Rey is Trying Her Best (Star Wars), Slow Burn, Small Towns, but not like super slow, gimme da grime, idk how to tag stuff uhhhh, its like slow then BAM, this is how it starts though and will update tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:15:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29889951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_pilots/pseuds/star_pilots
Summary: Rey has spent all of her life waiting. First, for her parents, then for purpose, then for belonging, and always for love. Her tongue catches on asking for what she wants because all that she ever wanted didn't come back. So, at twenty-eight going on twenty-nine, she is still a woman happened to. Life touches her just as it touches everyone, but nothing more.After escaping, she is stagnant, and once another dream falls through she is listless as one-by-one her friends leave their restaurant jobs in favor of living their lives the way they've always wanted to. She hasn't let herself want, so her next move is shapeless.It is a small spark of hope, in a large, uncouth package, that makes not wanting an impossible task, though she does her goddamn best.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. The Dish Pit

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys :-) ive been excitedly and obsessively writing this fic for the past month and now that i'm at the point where i've reread the beginning countless times and am at least two-thirds of the way through, i'm eager to share. this has been such a pleasure to write as i find myself right in the middle of both ben and rey, and ive felt like ive gotten to know them so much better through this story. i hope you enjoy :-)

_Life's a losing game when you don't play_  
_Don't hold your cards too close is what they say_  
_Now, love is just another leap of faith_  
_But I jump right in_

_I took the train, I took the call_  
_I didn't know just where I'd fall_  
_Or where it'd take me_  
_Another step, another stair_  
_I'll never know if I'll get there_  
_But just maybe_

The first time Rey sees him she’s at the pass, leaning in front of the pasta station messing with Bebe. 

“Angel hair is atrocious, man. Stop forcing it on me.”

“Why is it our most ordered pasta, then?” He throws over his shoulders as he adds white wine to a saucepan with the ease of someone adjusting their glasses. 

“You know how many old ladies lose their goddamn minds over the white clam sauce when it’s on special?” She leans down on her elbows so she can watch him work.

“Makes sense. I get the most orders of it during the early bird,” he says, and Rey throws her head back and laughs. Over at the dishpit, she notices a mop of black hair. Thick, and at a length the cooks never wear. The glass racks are tall, obscuring a face and only offering Rey a glimpse of wet, pale arms roped with veins.

“Hey, Bebe? Who’s the fresh meat?” Rey asks. She tilts her head, trying to see. He’s too far away to hear her, but she still attempts to be subtle.

Bebe glances from where he’s tossing the angel hair in with sauce. “New kid. Only started a few days ago. Pretty quiet. Not sure his name.”

Rey nods and looks away. “Can you have some penne vodka for me around, like, one?” 

“Anything for you, Pecas.”

Rey quickly forgets about the dishwasher and heads to the package area to restock the liquor shelves for the weekend. Her own thin muscles bulge as she unloads box after box and wipes her sweaty hands on her old Pink Floyd t-shirt.

*

The second time she sees him, it’s the middle of happy hour, which is in the middle of the Sunday Night Football pre-game, and two of the kegs just kick.

“Son of a bitch.” Rey’s gotta drain the dregs before she can connect a new one, but she can’t find a pitcher behind the bar and the foam will flood the drain. They’re already short on glasses and Snap would be pissed if she even tried to waste one, so she huffs and makes moves.

“Goddamn bus-boys,” she growls, clearing a path to the dishpit with just the set of her jaw. 

The door swings and bends behind her as she darts to the speedrack, shuffling bins of rattling plastic as she searches. 

“Kaydel!” The young woman swings around from where she’s balancing three salads up her arm. “Sam and Dogfish kicked, let everyone know it’ll be a few minutes.” The other woman’s braids bob as she kicks the door on the opposite side of the kitchen, disappearing into the dining room. 

Rey hears the rush of the water hose and the humming machine behind her. The steam wraps her in its arms from behind.

“Hey! I need a pitcher!” She crouches under the pit and holds her breath as her hands dive through the dirty bins in line to be rinsed.

“I’ve got ‘em in the wash right now.” The deep timber of the voice above her only startles her for a moment, but then she’s yelling. 

“Dude, I need them now! Stop the run and I’ll bring them back later.”

“They’ve  _ been  _ in there. They’ll be done in five seconds.”

Rey wrenches her hands out of the bins and cleans her hands on the rag tucked in her pocket. 

“One ... two … three ... four …”

“Five,” the deep voice cuts, then he shoves the clean rack into her gut. Hot water soaks her stomach, wiggling through the holes in her shirt that she wishes she could say are there for the aesthetic. 

The glass racks up above still obscure his face. 

She yanks the rack out of his hands. 

“Asshole,” she grunts, and stomps back to the bar.

  
  


*

The third time Rey sees him, she actually sees him. As in, she finally sees his face.

She’s bleary-eyed. It’s close to one in the morning on a Monday, her Friday, and Rose just got cut from her station. Last night she’d tossed and turned, phantoms that she thought she’d long gotten rid of in the periphery of her dreams, and now the nine hours on her feet have caught up to. Despite this she has one more to go. Rey’s listening to Rose talk shit while she washes glasses.

“JJ only offered to move me up to the sushi bar because the last three dudes he’s hired quit. I only asked him to move me like, six months ago. Would’ve saved everyone a bunch of trouble. What a fucking clown.”

“Do you still want to work sushi? It seems like a better setup, away from everyone in the kitchen, ya know?”

Rose huffs. “Well,  _ yeah _ , but I’m tempted to say ‘no’ just because I know why he asked. Doesn’t think any woman can do it. I hate that motherfucker.”

Rey snorts. “Me too.”

“Rian would’ve never treated us like this.” Rey hums in response. “Rest in peace, Rian.”

Rian didn’t die, he just quit a few months back because all the other managers treated him like garbage, approving shifts that Rian declined and reversing side-work changes he’d made while he wasn’t around. Now saturdays were a fucking madhouse, even more-so than before.

Many had quit after he put in his notice, Poe included. Rey saw that coming, though, since Finn had already been gone for a few months and he was looking for any reason to leave.

Rey stacks her glasses to dry and wipes her hands on her tattered jeans. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a large and unfamiliar figure coming behind the bar.

“Hey! What are you-!”

He turns and Rey inhales sharply.

The soft, full lips part in confusion, then he shakes his head, musing his longish hair.

“Chris told me to check for full bus buckets after the bus boys leave if I have nothing to do?” He says it like a question under her bewildered gaze.

Strong nose, moles in winding currents, smooth, pale skin. 

“I’m-I’m sorry,” Rey stutters, unsure where to look, noticing his brows rising on his forehead. “Uhm, yeah, go ahead. Thanks.”

“Sure,” he says softly, then he stacks all three of their bins on top of each other like they’re nothing, and walks back to the kitchen.

A bit breathless, she feels heat rise in her cheeks. She tries to excuse it with the steam rising from the hot water in the wash sink below. Wrenching her eyes away from the slow swinging of the door, she starts manually drying the glasses.

“Who’s that?” She asks Rose.

“The baby?”

“What?” Rey’s voice cracks as her eyes dart up.

“The baby. Baby Ben. The new dishwasher,” she clarifies, sipping her beer.

“He doesn’t look like a baby to me,” Rey mumbles. Her eyes are locked on the tiny droplets that elude her rag. Her arm twists faster.

“Pfft, he doesn’t much look like one, but that’s what’s hilarious about it. He’s only nineteen.”

The glass cracks in her hand. Not altogether, but a single split, like a vein, up the length of it under where her hand is wrapped too tight. 

“Oh, shit.”

Rose rocks forward in her seat, trying to see Rey’s hand. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, just a weak glass. These are the new ones Chris bought. This is, like, the third one I’ve cracked.” Rey puts the glass in a to-go box, then tosses it.

“You’ve got those hands of steel, my friend.”

“Right, can’t feel a damn thing,” she mumbles. The callouses on her fingertips fumble gently over the next glass. Thoughts circle in her head, overlapping. “God, remember when we were nineteen?”

“Oh  _ God _ , freshman year of college. Pardon me while I gag.” Rey laughs at that and Rose continues. “It blows my mind that all of that fashion is coming back. I downright refuse to give up my side part and I am absolutely not sorry about that. And if I ever try to squeeze into my old low-rise jeans just know that I have truly lost my damn mind.”

The jeans Rey wears right now are low-rise. Goodwill clearance day, but her baggy t-shirt covers her to the tops of her thighs.

“That’s fair. I’ll be the first to escort you off the premises.”

“You’d be a hero.”

Nineteen. Rey hasn’t thought about being nineteen in years. Maybe intentionally, maybe for self-preservation. If she lies to herself, Rey could say that she’s grown a lot since then. That she’s hardly the same person and isn’t alone anymore. 

Rey isn’t really alone, though. Not with her friends when she has friends, even if she still finds herself waking up cold most days, like a breeze is drifting right through her middle where something else should be. She doesn’t offer this to Rose. 

“You still have your old clothes, then?”

Rose waves a hand. “In a box somewhere for halloween costumes.”

All the glasses are dry, and Rey doesn’t know what to do with her hands. The bar is mostly empty, save the regular stragglers and Rose. Snap is on the other end of the bar entertaining a middle-aged couple, the kind that need a third party to ensure that they can still have fun together.

“One more hour ‘til I get to close her up,” Rey says, wistful.

“Two until you’re in bed and don’t have to think about this place for a few days,” Rose supplies.

While she’s counting, two days until payday. Twenty-eight until Christmas. A little under four months until she turns twenty-nine.

_Take another look before it goes_  
_Days are only footprints in the snow_  
_How far away can I walk_  
_Till I'm way too far from home_  
_I wish I knew, I wish I knew_

_I want something more than_  
_More than restless mornings_  
_Getting by's so boring_  
_Ah-ooh, ah-ooh_  
_Take your time, enjoy it_  
_Every fleeting moment_  
_Getting by's so boring_  
_Ah-ooh, ah-ooh_

[fever dream by mxmtoon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Owvji3p7kB0)


	2. Holiday Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up to a warm and welcome surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy to knew readers! thank you for all who have read and subscribed already! i think you're in for a treat. like i said, this story is about 2/3 of the way written, so I should be far enough ahead of updates that there shouldn't be much of a lag. i'm planning on updating once a week, but since these first two chapters are shorter i wanted to get them to you quicker to keep the pace. i hope that works for us!
> 
> im editing as a i go as well, so feedback is much adored and appreciated. :)

Rey wakes up on Tuesday late. It takes her a while to get acclimated to the faint sunlight streaming in, still feeling suspended in the strange dreamstate that’s dictated her nights for the past several months. Always something on the verge of revealing itself that melts away as soon as she finally has the nerve, with shaking hands, to reach out.

She sits in bed with her comforter tucked to her chin until the need for coffee outweighs all else.

The sight that meets her in the living room is as surprising as it is welcome. 

Last night, she’d tiptoed in and navigated to her room with all the lights out. It’s become her routine since Finn landed his regular nine-to-five job, wanting to be as considerate to him as he has been. That meant she didn’t see what Finn had done yesterday while she’d been at work.

Fake pine garlands weave around the doorways, the window frames, and the little cabinet that propped up their small TV. Warm lights thread through the garlands to make the room even cozier. A few red ornaments hang off the doorknobs, and a big, cranberry scented candle sits on the table where they used to share their morning, or more like afternoon, coffee. Next to it is a small note.

_ Figured we could pick out the tree together, but some cheer is always nice to come home to. Text me later, Peanut. Xoxo _

Rey wipes her eyes on the neck of her shirt. Her and Finn don’t see much of each other these days, and even less so with him spending more time at Poe’s. Their schedules are so different that she never wants to harass him about finding time to spend together. Now, they’re going to pick out a Christmas tree. Her first real one. Rey beams all through her breakfast, scrambled eggs, toast, and coffee with two helpings of sugar.

*

Rey has her hand out, running her fingers over the pine needles then lifting them to her nose, inhaling deep.

“Rey, that’s  _ so _ weird.”

Rey scoffs. “Oh, please. I’ve seen weirder shit.” She runs her hand up another branch then cups it over her nose and mouth. “Come on, they smell so good!”   
  


Finn’s shaking his head, searching more meticulously than she for the best tree to bring home.

“How could I forget. You traveled far and wide just to get a whiff of some of our good pine.”

Rey punches his arm. “You’re so gross.”   
  
“Tree sniffer.”

“Rather be a tree sniffer than a Poe kisser,” Rey shoots back, coming to check out the tree he just pulled out. It’s about their height, and full on the bottom.

“Touché, Peanut,” he says. They agree on the tree and get it wrapped to tie on the top of Finn’s car. They buy a stand, too.

“Our first Christmas tree! The tides are turning, Rey. Next, we’ll buy a house on the Manor.”

Rey laughs, turning up the volume on the radio. Finn’s car is newer, and the sound is clean. She can even take her coat off because the heat works.

“With what money?”

“I thought you were selling foot pics?”

“Finn!” She screeches, nearly making him swerve through the mall parking lot. Finn makes her feel like what her teenage years should’ve been, making up for lost time. They sing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” until they’re hoarse, and then they keep going as hit after hit plays.

When they turn onto the parkway, Finn’s tone is sobering. “Seriously though,” Finn lowers the radio a bit. “When are you gonna quit?”

Her head thumps on the window, the cold numbing her temple. “Come on, man.”

“Rey, we talked about this. It’s almost been a year-”

“I know,” she says, too sharp, then softens. “I know, Finn. I’m just-” Her breaths are ragged, puffing on the glass. She thumbs a heart into the condensation. “I’m just not ready to leave yet. I don’t want to have to start over again.”

“You won’t be starting over again,” Finn says. He reaches over the center console to hold her hand. “You have me. You’re here. You have a life here. It’s just something new, and I would help you.”

She squeezes his hand, then entwines their fingers. She hadn’t realized how much she missed him until she finds tears on her face that she wipes on her shoulder. 

“I know you would,” she says. They’re quiet for a few moments, then she leans forward and turns up the music. “But come on. Let’s not make this about me. We just got a Christmas tree. We’ve got cookie dough at home and there’s still enough time to stop at Maz’s for a drink!”

Rey thinks that the host that’s queuing the music on this station deserves a raise, because another absolute banger comes on and they both belt it out, while Rey tries to swallow her fears.

The little pub is dotted with its usual hodgepodge decor, but now even it sports a bit of holiday joy.

“Finn! You better have a good reason for showing your face in here after all this time!” The voice eclipses the size of the petite woman behind the bar, shouting out. To an outsider, the tone would have them running for the hills, but instead Finn bursts out laughing. 

“Come on, Maz, don’t be like that. You know you’re the only one that can set my soul on fire.”

“Hmph! Tell that to the handsome one you’ve been spending so much time with and then I’ll believe you.”

They take their seats at the bar, and Maz immediately lifts her coke bottle glasses to lean forward and properly kiss them on both cheeks.

“Should I be expecting a Christmas card,” she quips while pouring them their regular drinks. Memory like a whip, despite her indiscernible age. 

“Maz, we just got our first tree. We’re on a bit of a delay here,” Rey offers, accepting her whiskey-ginger.

“Hmph. Well, I guess I’m just lucky to have you then.” She asks them what they want to eat and, despite all their fussing about not being hungry, Maz insists that they never step foot in her home without being fed. They settle on spinach and artichoke dip and mozzarella sticks.

Of course, that’s not all they end up with. Maz never forces them to buy anything they don’t already want, but she is always sure to guzzy it up when they do. Before they even get the food they’d ordered, two French onion soups and a whole basket of crackers materialize in front of them. They used to order them all the time when Rey worked less shifts and Finn got cut early. They’d meet each at Maz’s for soup, taking full advantage of the free  _ accoutrements _ . Memory like a damn whip.

Once she drops the rest of their food, a few buffalo wings thrown in for good measure, she adds,” And leave room for dessert!”

Finn rubs his stomach when they’re about halfway through. “God, I haven’t eaten like this in a while. Poe doesn’t even keep bread at his place.” Finn looks at her, his eyes pleading. “Do you understand what that does to me?” 

“I think I would just simply cease to exist.”

“Exactly, Peanut. Exactly.”

The room is dark enough that it’s not easy to make out the faces of the other patrons, save in the flickering of the televisions above them. There’s a few games on as well as the local TV station, detailing which high school sports teams are in the track to state championships. They’d be expecting lots of snow at the end of the week.

At the other end of the bar, Maz leans over in a, what Rey can discern, flirtatious manner towards a large, fluffy looking man. 

“Hey, Finn, check this out.” He pulls his eyes away from the TV. “Our girl’s got a beau.”

“Oh,” Finn whistles. “Miss Maz. Who knew she had it in her?” Rey looks at him with a brow quirked. “I mean, we did actually.”

Rey tries to make out the face of the man, but it’s too dark to tell. There’s something about the width of his shoulders and the unruliness of his curls and beard that’s familiar. A small awareness tickles the back of her mind, but she can’t place it. Not from the restaurant. She knows the bar regulars, and she doesn’t go anywhere else with enough frequency for something like this man to stick.

Well, the garage was almost frequent, she thinks. Rey shakes off the thought.

They giggle over this development, teasing Maz who is unfazed whenever she makes her way back to their end of the bar.

It’s nice, Rey thinks, to just hangout and gossip with Finn like nothing’s changed, though she knows it has. He talks about Poe like they’re now seamlessly entwined in each other’s lives. It’s sweet. It’s not oversharing or asking for her approval like it was at the beginning, despite her insisting that he didn’t need it to be happy. Of course she approves, but it isn’t her place to determine the track of his life. Even if it is gradually veering away from her.

That’s why she’d laughed when he said they should buy a mansion together. If anyone is going to be moving, it's him without her. Most of Finn’s personal effects have begun to trickle out of their apartment and into Poe’s. Mostly clothes and toiletries, but now he doesn’t restock their favorite coffee anymore, or bake cookies that she can inhale late at night when she finally creeps in the door.

Things are changing, and it frightens her. Yet, she will never tell him that. Rey will regret it forever if she ever tries to hold him back, because being able to have him in any way she can is the most important thing. 

That might be why leaving isn’t the easy option that he makes it out to be. It was the only reliable thing here after everything had fallen apart about a year ago, and it still feels like it's only hanging on by a thread. Rey isn’t ready to freefall. She doesn’t know if she ever will be again. Even if Finn would help, his life’s already taken a turn in the direction he’s wanted for so long. What kind of friend is she if she asks him to take four steps back for her sake?

So they sit at the bar, catching up but also acting like no time has passed, and Rey clutches his hand in a way that she hopes doesn’t look like she’s terrified of letting go.

Finn stops drinking so he can drive them home, but Rey’s tolerance is still small despite her age and job, so even one more drink than him makes her limbs feel gooey. She sways to the music in the car on the way home. 

“Don’t tell me I’m gonna have to tuck you in bed before we even get this tree up.”

“Shut up, I am perfectly capable of setting up  _ our first tree _ ,” Rey says with an air of profound offense that he would hint at the opposite. 

“And! There are still cookies to bake. Yeah, I got all the holiday spirit curated for the day.”

Finn preheats the oven as soon as they step in the door, dragging her to the table to help him roll the dough into little balls.

“Cookies first, then set up while they bake.” 

Finn’s are perfect, even spheres while Rey’s leave much to be desired, but they’re all going in the oven anyway.

He’d already gotten lights and a few more red ornaments to hang on it to start. Rey thinks they could use more, and determines to get some when she can. It’ll be a nice way to surprise him back, even more time spent on something he’d determined to share with her. She walks in circles around the base which, combined with the drinks, makes her dizzy like she would be on the playground as a child. Spinning and spinning and spinning in place until she couldn’t anymore, and collapsed in a heap.

But she sees the task through and helps Finn disperse the ornaments. It would look more elaborate, but he insists on decorating the back as well, otherwise it’s not a “complete job.”

When the cookies are done, Rey is surprised to find that Finn bought milk for them, too.

They cuddle up on the floor, the fireplace channel on and cookies and milk in their laps.

“Thanks for today, Finn,” Rey says softly, watching her cookie soak up the milk. She feels him wrap an arm around her shoulders.

“Of course. I know I haven’t been around much lately, but you’re my family, you know? This is what families do together.”

Rey nods, swallowing, taking his word for it.

“Merry Christmas, Finn.”

“Merry Christmas, Rey.”

*

The next morning, she lays in bed, blanket to her chin to keep out the cold. The wind howls through the hollows inside her while she tries to ward off the inevitable.

There’s no tinkering about the kitchen from what she can hear, but it’s more than that. Rey can tell when something is empty. She’s alone in the apartment again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love their friendship and i love rey!


End file.
